Peter Stoneman – Freelance Writer and Researcher

Extract from: Across the Universe – Beatles on Infinite Earths

Beanz à la Ringo (Serves one Beatle)

Ingredients:

1 16oz can of baked beans.

White sliced loaf – 2 x slices.

Margarine or butter.

Finely grated cheddar cheese (optional.)

1 pot of tea. Milk and sugar as required.

2 cigarettes. 2 matches.

Directions:

 First things first. Light your first ciggie. You may favour a Woodbine, although I have recently enjoyed a Newport or two while touring the US of A. Maybe put a record on. A long player, as the name suggests, is too long and a 45 is generally too short for our porpoises. Through trial and error, I have learned that one side of an EP usually offers enough time to stir the pan and for the beans not to stick to the base of the pan. Set the grill to a medium heat and put the kettle on. When toasting, it’s important to use a grill. A pop-up toaster might be all the rage, but in my experience, you want one side cooler than the other so the butter (or marge) doesn’t melt immediately into the hot toast. If you’re considering the purchase of a pop-up toaster, save your Green Shield Stamps for something else, is my advice. A pop-up toaster doesn’t allow for temperature variation between the two sides but that’s progress for you, I suppose. Anyway, if you have done everything according to these directions, as the needle approaches the spindle on side one – today I’m listening to The Marvelettes EP (Tamla Motown TME 2003) and very good it is too – the whistle on the kettle should be going off or about to do so. Presuming this is the case, please proceed as instructed. If not, check that you haven’t mistakenly put a long player on the Dansette (other players are available.) Pour a splash of the boiling water to warm the teapot and discard, then add four generous teaspoons of tea leaves and fill the pot to the brim with the remaining hot water.

 Meanwhile, check your grill is hot. If satisfied, lay two slices of white bread side by side on the tray and slide under the grill. Mother’s Pride is ok. If you want to stay trim, brown bread or Slimcea if you’re a Slimcea girl and eating toast on a hot air balloon like in the commercial. Stub out your ciggie and turn over your EP, which should now have reached the end of side one. Play side two. Proceed to open can and empty contents into a saucepan and heat over a medium flame until the tomato sauce begins to bubble. Our manager, Bri (Mr Epstein to you) has a Gordon Bleu chef and one of those electric can opener thingummies but I can’t be doing with that – I’m no bean-noisseur, but I am partial to the occasional can. They do curried beans now, and I’m told they are pretty gear but I have my doubts. You may have a favourite brand of baked beans and I will not tell you how to live your life. I have my own and you have yours. It’s your right as a human bean. Anyway, mine is available in all good stores and I swear by it. 1 shilling and threepence from most supermarkets and grocers. I couldn’t name all 58 varieties, they all look the same to me. I think they probably use one variety and cover them with enough tomato sauce that we won’t even notice there are 57 varieties missing. Anyway. Check the bread now if you haven’t already. If the bread is now toast and no longer bread, you should turn it over and repeat the procedure for side two (of the bread – not the record – it’s important that you do not confuse the record with the bread/toast. Records of all speeds and all sizes do not taste good and can lead to indigestion. By the same token, slices of bread and toast do not deliver when it comes to aural fidelity and a new stylus can cost as much as a tanner and may need to be specially ordered from your favourite record retailer.)

 With the second side (of the bread) now browning and the tomato sauce bubbling along nicely, pour tea and add sugar and milk according to taste. Personally, I use a Dulux colour chart and select brick red, just three drops of a pipette’s worth of milk. Remove bread from under grill and apply margarine to the cooler side of both slices. You may prefer butter. I have heard it referred to as the Devil’s Glue but to each his own spread. Take the pan of beans and lightly spoon the contents onto the buttered toast. You may also wish to add a sprinkling of grated cheddar to melt into the beans and tomato sauce if that’s your bag. Bri’s chef Gordon gave me that tip.

 Consume your Beans à la Ringo. Drink tea. Light second ciggie. Put on a record. Repeat as necessary.

First published in Woman’s Realm. March 1964.